Forgiveness: What It Really Is And What It Is Not!
Forgiveness is a word and a topic that we often hear in religious settings and spaces, whether from the pulpit, a spirituality podcast or in a worship song. We often don’t associate the topic of forgiveness with the field of psychology. This may be the case because we have been told that the field of psychology is anti-religion and thus does not make space for religious or spirituality matters. Though this may be true in some psychological circles, it is not true of psychology as a whole. There has been significant change in the way the psychology world has shifted its approach to create space to explore the religious and spiritual life of clients and how it impacts their mental wellness. (To read more about spirituality and counseling, check out links in references). Before I get on a tangent about the intersection between faith and psychology (a very important topic and next possible blog post), let’s get back to the concept of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not just a religious or spiritual notion, it has psychological implications as well. There is even a type of therapy called Forgiveness Therapy. Yes, you read that right. Forgiveness Therapy. Regardless of your reasons to consider forgiveness in your relationship with self, others or a system/institution, I would like to define forgiveness, to explore what forgiveness is and is not, and how it can positively impact your mental wellbeing.
What is forgiveness? One of my favorite definitions of forgiveness comes from Greater Good Magazine that defines forgiveness “as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.” This definition highlights forgiveness as a choice that requires active participation by the individual choosing to forgive. This decision to forgive can be made without waiting for an apology or justification by the wrongdoer or putting one’s self in the position of judge or jury to determine the worthiness of one’s self or another to forgive. I would add to this definition that the choice to forgive someone can be an ongoing decision that is not always a one time choice or the result of a singular moment in time. Ultimately, forgiveness can be an ongoing process where one chooses to not let bitterness and resentment dictate their daily life and it requires the forgiving person to be fully involved from beginning to end.
There are many myths about what forgiveness entails and signifies for the person who is forgiving and the person who is being forgiven. Below is a brief list of what forgiveness is and is not composed by myself and Therapist Aid’s “What is Forgiveness?” resource (2021).
Forgiveness does not only have spiritual implications, but also deeply psychological and emotional implications that can and should be explored within the context of a counseling session if requested by the client. Long-term anger negatively impacts our nervous and immune systems.
Forgiveness does not equate to condoning a wrongdoer’s behavior, words or actions, or lack thereof. Forgiveness is not saying that you are letting the person(s) who hurt you off the hook. You are letting yourself off the hook from being the judge and jury of what is right and good or wrong and evil.
Forgiveness may not lead to reconciliation. You and the person who wronged you may not “go back to the way things were” and have the same type of relationship you had before the wrong(s) occurred. Forgiveness can occur and result in having a different type of relationship with different boundaries and relational expectations (ie. best friend to friend; significant other to acquaintance) or not having a relationship at all.
The act of forgiveness is primarily for you, not the wrongdoer. Releasing feelings of bitterness and resentment and avoiding acting in vengeance supercharged by those feelings is for your benefit. Acting in vengeance only leads to more suffering for you and for the wrongdoer; it is retributive justice that takes no winners and imprisons all.
Forgiveness does not mean not being angry or sad about the wrong that occurred or the wrongdoer. The process of forgiveness involves not allowing your anger or sadness define who you are or where you are going or your future relationships with self and others. If we allow our anger and sadness to go unchecked and unprocessed, anger and sad easily turn into bitterness, rage, resentment that often leads to vengeful, retributive justice.
Time does not heal all wounds. Time is an integral part of the forgiveness process. It is a process that should not be rushed, yet, if we wait for forgiveness to happen to us, we may wait a lifetime. Forgiveness is not a passive process.
Forgiveness is not bound by time, distance, or death. You can forgive someone who has passed away. You can forgive someone from afar. You can forgive someone without uttering a word. Your forgiveness is valid and can be genuine regardless if you forgive someone in-person, online or from thousands of miles away.
So what makes forgiveness so challenging? Let’s look at what makes forgiving so challenging and the negative effects that holding on to unforgiveness actually has on us. Based on my personal experiences as well as my clinical experiences with individual and couple clients alike, the releasing of resentment is the toughest part of the forgiveness process. For many (myself included), resentment serves two purposes: protection and power. Let me explain. If I release my resentment, then I am also releasing my anger that has protected me from getting hurt in the same way(s) again. This protective anger has led many to establish rigid boundaries within themselves and with others that act as medieval fortresses that keep everyone out when only they want to keep one particular person, group or institution out, at a distance. Fortress boundaries do their job too well at keeping others away at a cost to the individual. The cost often looks like loneliness, deep mistrust and lack of intimacy in relationships with self and others.
Another purpose for holding on to resentment involves a power dynamic. If I maintain my resentment towards the wrongdoer, in some sense, I feel as though I have power over him/her. I can dangle their wrongdoing over his/her head as a way to feel superior to or as a way to control current and future behavior by wrongdoer. It feels good to feel as though the wrongdoer owes you for their behavior, to lean into the role of victim. However, as tempting as the power trip can be, it leads to the opposite result: disempowerment. Being victimized and being a victim are two different things. The former is a state of being disempowered temporarily; the latter is an identity of disempowerment that is difficult to overcome when attributed to one’s personhood. Put simply, identifying as a victim signifies that you are defined by what others have done to you instead of what you do as a result of being wronged or victimized.
Ultimately, withholding forgiveness leads to what Tim Mackie coins “relational vandalism” that in holding bitterness and resentment we are creating an environment within ourselves where it is difficult, albeit impossible, for these feelings to not taint or negatively impact our relationship with others. Unfortunately, the recipient of these feelings is often not the wrongdoer but an uninvolved third party. For example, I may be resentful towards one friend for the way(s) he or she has hurt me, but the anger manifests itself in my relationship with another friend who has done nothing wrong. When we choose to not forgive those who have hurt, betrayed and wronged us, we are then making a choice to let painful feelings fester that have a negative physical and mental impact on us as well as a choice to allow emotional pain to indirectly or directly impact those around us who are not the cause of our pain, but our social supports to help us navigate through the pain and to remain authentic, accessible and available to ourselves and the world around us.
Choosing to release resentment, interestingly enough, also serves the same two purposes as holding resentment, yet releasing resentment leads to sustainable, healthy, long-term protection of self and is empowering in nature, which is a stark contrast to isolation, distance in relationships and power seeking behaviors that are often a result of unprocessed feelings of resentment. Making the decision to not harbor bitterness is a form of self-protection that does not allow anger, disgust and distrust to dictate one’s relationship with self or others. Forgiveness does not seek to take power away from another person; it seeks to re-establish self-control over one’s feelings, not to minimize them or pretend they are not there, and instead ushers one to process and release feelings that keep him/her at a distance from themselves and others. Personally, I view forgiveness as a means to love self and to love neighbor. Self- love is acknowledging and processing my emotional pain, seeking to build healthy boundaries in my context that protect myself and others, and feeling empowered to not let others’ actions and words define or dictate who I am or the life worth living I am cultivating.
Because we understand that forgiveness can be a journey and a difficult process, our goal as therapists is to help people break away from what holds them back and heal so that they can move forward. Whether you are considering forgiving someone else or yourself, (consider deleting this and just keeping it to the topic of forgiveness) we are here to help! Our passion is to help individuals, couples and families build resilient, healthy relationships by providing client-centered, evidence-based treatment. If you want to explore more about how therapy can help you, check out our “Contact Us” page on our website to schedule a free consultation!
References
https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/forgiveness-therapy
https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/what-is-forgiveness
https://myacare.com/blog/the-silent-saboteur-how-anger-affects-your-health-and-ways-to-control-it#:~:text=Aside%20from%20cardiovascular%20events%20and%20immune%20complications%2C,anxiety%2C%20bipolar%20disorder%2C%20and%20other%20mood%20disorders.&text=Studies%20show%20that%20anger%20can%20adversely%20affect,inflammation%2C%20and%20promoting%20an%20unbalanced%20immune%20response.
Kahle, P.A., & Robbins, J.M. (2004). The Power of Spirituality in Therapy: Integrating Spiritual and Religious Beliefs in Mental Health Practice (1st ed.). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781315785776
Miller, G. (2003). Incorporating spirituality in counseling and psychotherapy: Theory and technique. John Wiley & Sons.
Freedman, S., & Zarifkar, T. (2016). The psychology of interpersonal forgiveness and guidelines for forgiveness therapy: What therapists need to know to help their clients forgive. Spirituality in Clinical Practice, 3(1), 45.
https://bibleproject.com/tim-mackie/